There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
