When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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