Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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