Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
