I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
