now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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