made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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