There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
