come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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