I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
