My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
