K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I met the friendliest cop last night
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Randomize
