grandma shit on top of the toilet
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
