The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Randomize
