i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
