My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Randomize
