My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
