Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
