I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
