I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
