I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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