Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
