If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
