just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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