You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
