Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
