Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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