I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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