my phone needs a breathalizer
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
