Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
