hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
