there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
