he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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