Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
