im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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