saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
