I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Randomize
