your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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