everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
