I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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