Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
