You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
