I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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