Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
