did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
