Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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