I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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