So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
