Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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