Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
